The Gift
So here’s the thing. I’ve always fancied myself as someone who has followed my own path. Someone who has gone against the grain and pursued things in my life that were important to me, even if that meant flying in the face of conventional wisdom. A person who was always in touch with my own wants and desires, forging my own path. Well, that’s what I thought. I was wrong.
Appearances can be very deceiving, and from the outside it appeared as if I was making choices and decisions in my life that were true to who I am. In many aspects of my life this was true. But my personal life was full of compromises, full of choices and decisions that were not my own. To be more specific, I chose to allow my life path to be driven and guided by my wife, not being true to myself or my own wants. And when one lives a disingenuous life, it’s just a matter of time before it catches up with him. And it usually happens in a big way.
Almost 3 years ago, my wife and best friend decided that she wanted to leave. We had been together for 14 years. Needless to say I was completely and utterly shocked. I had no idea it was coming, and how could I? I had been living a lie for so many years that of course I didn’t see it coming. I was living a life of compromise, and it showed. I was disconnected and disengaged. I didn’t feel empowered whatsoever. I was committed to her and our relationship, and it was the most important thing in my life. But at what cost? I had given up who I am to support everything she wanted. The irony is that my intense commitment to our relationship was in reality an intense commitment to mediocrity. I had given up who I was to be with her, because I didn’t feel that I was good enough as I am. I had lost my way and lost my self.
The following months were incredibly hard for me. But as I had done so often before, I hid my emotions putting my wife’s emotional needs ahead of my own. I tried to make things easier on her by not expressing how I really felt about everything. I was letting her drive how things were going to play out, as I always did…….again. And I did this for months. Until I didn’t anymore.
That’s when everything changed for me. With the help of a good friend, I awakened to the truth of my life and what had been going on. It was hard to face, but my friend forced me to face it, as any true friend would. It’s never easy looking at yourself honestly and clearly, and then accepting who and what you are. And who was I? I was a pushover. Not when it came to people I didn’t know, but when it came to those who had emotional leverage over me, I couldn’t find my own voice and power. I had fallen into the common pitfall of being defined by the people around me, rather than being defined by who I really am. Essentially, I had forgotten myself.
I live with a 40 pound terrier who has a heart of fire. I was drawn to her wild nature like a moth to a flame, adopting her on a whim, at an adoption event at the zoo when I already had 2 dogs at home. If you are prone to believing in such things as fate or destiny, then you would say our meeting was destined to happen. And I have to admit, I’d have a hard time arguing with you because this meeting changed my life forever.
Roxy had the fire that I did not. She expressed herself in ways I could only dream of. She was my voice, but I fought her. I did everything I could to quiet that voice, just as I had worked so hard to quiet my own. I tried so hard to crush the very spirit and wildness I was initially drawn to, because I was afraid. She was showing me the pieces of me that I worked so hard to hide. She was exposing the cracks in the emotional armor I had worked so hard to build. The difference between her and me was that no matter how much I tried to shut her down the way I had been shut down, she never stopped, and she was never going to stop. Her voice and her power couldn’t be contained. She was pure in her expression and pure of heart. She was showing me what I needed to see, but I just couldn’t see it. With every outburst, every display of “aggression”, she was exposing all my cracks, but in the end it was my wife who finally broke the shell. And it was through this process, they gave me the greatest gift of all. Myself.
I’m a different man today than I was just 3 years ago. I don’t try to hide anymore. I’ve come to accept the sensitive nature of who I am, and that it’s from this tortured place that I draw my greatest strength. I am flawed. Completely flawed. So is my dog. And everything is perfect just as it is.
Today, September 23rd is our 11th wedding anniversary, 17 years together. We’re still together and stronger than ever. Roxy is still with me too, my constant companion, doing what she does best. Being herself. To both of you…..thank you.
A lovely open reflection and really helpful as an example in showing people how working with their dogs can help them unravel their lives
Sang, thankyou for your courage
Sang, I love that you can express in words-that which I can not. I went through that exact same experience and never really understood what we went through until I read your blog. I see what jenny was always trying to say to me. Fortunetly, we made it. Jenny’s still my wife, best friend but not my voice anymore. 25 years. I miss you two.
,
What a beautiful post, Sang!
Brave and honest. Happy anniversary, you two! You came out the other side of darkness that most people would have run away from.
Thanks everyone. It’s taken me a while to get comfortable with sharing, as I naturally tend to keep things close to the heart. But I realized that if there’s one person out there going through something similar, and my experience can help them, then it’s all worth it. One person and one dog at a time.
Very powerful Sang – I wish you well on your continued self exploration! May we all embrace the spirit of being who we are, simply for the sake of being who we are.
Scott
So glad you care to share, Sang. I’m still unraveling in what ways each of my dog’s mirror me. Sometimes I think I’ve got it but not clearly yet, not really. I’d have to say that Duncan is my “voice”; he expresses my anger and rage in a very real and physical way. Something I haven’t been able to do for years (not that I ever really acknowledged it was there). You know, the whole societal judgement against emotion; a thing I all too easily bought into. Like you, I allowed my friends, my spiritual community, to define who I was. Of course, it’s taken 4-dogs and 4-cats to show me who I really am! LOL Honestly, I see bits of myself reflected in each of them but my mirror is still cracked
. They are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and I can’t quite see the “whole” picture yet. Maybe I have so many critters because I can’t quite swallow the ‘whole enchilada’ yet and they show me glimpses here and there when I’m ready to see….hmmmmm. At any rate, as much as I love Duncan, deep down there is still a part of me that is afraid of his aggression. I feel it. Working at honoring my fear, as Kevin suggests.
Your posts are always illuminating!
I feel you Christine. The more dogs you have, the more they each break off into different factions of the whole. So yes, they may seem like they’re mirroring different parts of you, but in fact they’re all mirroring the same things, filtered through their individual temperaments.
From the outside, my dogs Jackie and Roxy seem like very different dogs. One is very direct and can be explosive, while the other seems very “friendly”, fun loving and “sweet”. At the core though, they are both dogs recovering from being suppressed. One just expresses it by projecting out externally, while the other internalizes it.
So don’t worry too much about who’s reflecting what. The mere fact that you’re mindful that they’re reflecting you at all is a huge step. Trust in the fact that right now you’re in a place of not “knowing”. Because that’s the space where evolution happens.
Beautiful! Both the story as well as it’s telling……….